I wish I could float

I wish I could float
Taller than the sky below
To see the curvature;
Wave at the windows
Inside the little dome.

Arms apart, Hands free
Feet shaking uncontrollably
As the world zooms in;
A mirror of the pain below
Moving further away.

Swimming through Air
In the midst of treading
Cycling with childish grace;
Tears running down my face
To keep up and follow.

I see what I need to
When I’m nearer the stars
And nothing is up here;
Wilderness can be bliss
Looking down at colour.

Somewhere up here anyway
I aim to see the past
That the ground seems to miss;
Violent struggles of time
Spat out into the air to catch.

I wish I could float
To see the line of thoughts
Sadly erased from memory;
Hidden, controlled and lasting
Waving back at me.

I float, I see; we all see.
When I reach what I’m looking for
Crash.

Trust

Today I invented a time machine.
I powered it up and turned it on,
It buzzed with a ferocious venom.
Suddenly, a figure appeared –
Through the cloud he was there.
He was me.
Stunned, I realised this was the future.
I was staring at a wiser, older me.
So many questions to ask,
So many problems to solve –
But he was not here for chit-chat;
In fact only six words were said

‘Do not go through the machine.’

Then as quickly as that, Vanished.
Needless to say I was disappointed.
After all, in the future surely
I will have to go through, simply
to warn my younger self, like today.
Dilemma.
But I won’t let it bother me.
I will trust my future self,
Turn the machine off
And live my life.

But I always wondered.
What was I trying to warn myself?
What was so important that demanded
Traveling through time?
The mind ticked over as years passed;
The machine a dusty relic in the corner.

I am now about that age.
Older, wiser and still alert; I trust
Myself not to time travel, even to the past.
But I cannot help but turn the machine on –
Just for old time’s sake.
The buzzing was familiar.
Do I complete the chain? But why?
There is nothing to warn my younger self.

Suddenly a figure appeared –
Through the cloud he was there.
He was me.
Stunned, I realised this was the future.
I was staring at a wiser, older me.
Why was he here? Why did I travel?
But he was not here for chit-chat;
In fact only six words were said

‘I beg you, use the Machine.’

One

One night was all it took
The magic kept us there
All colour in the air
I begged you take a look.

One time to tell the truth
Discover all our wants
Then confess all our Haunts
And reminisce Our Youth.

One chance to feel your form
Will I be ready now
The golden Air somehow
Will calm the mindless storm.

Both minds merged into one
The rush of feeling flow
Her words an afterglow
Of what had just begun.

We call to hearts abound
Why do they grant this touch
Of memories so much
They twist us all around.

One night of calm embrace
To feel you on my skin
The sound of violin
Your blanket windswept face.

Two days of keeping faith
And closing all the doors
I knew that when I swore
I promised all I gave.

One moment’s not enough
The laughter filled the air
To smell and stroke your hair
Discovered I’m in Love.

Do or Die

 

Freezing over a lifeless event
A photo of imagination,
Reality is a memory of static
With tape to bind you.

Lying is such a hurtful embrace
A burning eye of unsightly Green,
Fantasy is walking forever without hope
With friends to hold you.

Clinging on to what matters the most
A mutual, unfamiliar hand,
Freedom is choosing to be happy at this time
Without the worry.

Walk

I laid my skin from meadow fields
Streaming rivers and life-blood unveiled
Gold-sparkling puddles, footprints of heart
A chosen memory, a work of Art.

Journey Towards Completion

If at the end of the process I tried
To account for my actions, then I write
This testament, for my life is finite
And people must know what became of light
That showed me the real danger; Parasite,
When all my hopes of parity had dried.

Just as always, we started with promise
By shaking hands and offering hors d’oeuvres.
In all frankness I experienced nerves
Like none other; Oddly when I observed
Their drive, the passion filled me with a verve
Which provided false confidence; flawless.

Continuous laughter kept me relaxed
In a wooden environment; they hold
Onto my arm with a grip of steel; Cold
Greetings from dying bodies, I feel sold
Surrounded by mahogany; unfold
Their meaning – true purpose; I was attacked.

Just as now, my body craved the meaning
And allowed others to fill in the gaps.
Weak, foolish with a soft heart; But perhaps
I somehow allowed the embrace to trap
My direction; cementing in the cracks
With a suffocation; Heavy breathing.

Am I still, only talking to Myself?
After all, this idea of perfection
Is always tainted by the direction
That one chooses to go; For affection
Is granted for not asking the Questions;
It’s a concept that should be on a shelf.

The brightness is an outside perspective
That shows its true colours when you enter.
Selfishness; seemingly in the centre
Offers the chance for a perfect shelter,
But its rotten to the core; December
Was when I stopped being so suggestive.

Between the veil

Dandilion and burdock sunset
Along a thousand memory alleyway,
So tranquil and without bedlam
Within the soft lucence of the twilight.

Still I tour, treading with appetite
At the reflection within the fracture
That heals with each passing day –
I beam at the abundance of retention.

Mindful – And eager to evidence more,
The stroll widened into an eclipse
That took me beyond my comfort zone.
No longer did I remain stable; Midnight.

Faster in stride, more complex in movement
Skipping past stones and pavement splinters
Without grace; yesterdays downpour
Harvesting the growth of inertia.

Still, relentless obscurity of night
Covering the land with a hazy mist
That shrouds the layers of brighter steps
To replace, quite indiscriminately.

Glance up, a lighthouse, a guided path
To show the way, like it always has –
Turning, obscuring and disappearing
But always returning; My guardian angel.

Why do you have to leave me in shadow?
Indeed, your return is slow and afflicting –
A beam of sentiment that you share
By encompassing and reflecting my glow.

By tomorrow you will be but a circle –
Forgotten, bystander in nature’s whim.
But I dwell upon your affecting radiance
And I hunt for you between the veil.

Untitled (labelled as 2007)

An oldie, and probably my most personal poem of the lot. I was a bit of a jumbled mess so excuse if it doesn’t quite add up, but I know it was written in 2007 and was a terrible time. See? I even talk as though i am detached from this work, like i didn’t even write it.

But I did, and this blog is a testament to memory – thoughts and processes are so important. I don’t want to forget painful experiences, so i write about them, even if i don’t want to. I write, as that is all i can do.

Apologies for so much material in one go; I have a lot of work, some a fair few years old that I’m trying to get into digital form.

Was there ever a day when I DIDN’T see this coming?

Is time simply an overlapping of the pain I experience?

There seems a malicious symmetry that I cannot ignore,

As though it is all connected and pulling me in

How to describe, it is always so complex

Keeping yourself together and struggling on

When your body is telling you to give up

And take a seemingly impossible option.

I hear the ringing all around, more often in tune

To a heartbeat that seems a little off

And a spoken voice so clearly wanting more

In keeping with the trauma of standing.

Is there ever a month where my predictions didn’t come true?

My mind is fixated on linking the two

Mortal aspects of experience; Pain and time

Flow with a Rhythm that is hard to find

Except in the darker corner of the room.

Now my mind wanders between confusion

And total isolation. The sequence of why is unimportant;

All the matters is the here and now;

The constant of the improbable plan and execution

If only I could think of a better word.

I always see this coming yet I am always bewildered

At how ridiculous I am when i feel like this.

Emotion of twenty years becomes condensed into;

Hatred – Isolation – fear – confidence

And boils them up to spit at me, constantly.

It is a venom that I understand and comprehend yet,

I cannot control it; that is the biggest fear.

I am spat at with a consistent flow

that overwhelms the possible and makes me

Think like I am outside my own body.

Is there a year when you can feel myself becoming?

I understand that I am what i am – Tragic.

I live for another day; expect to see the time

synchronising once again with my feelings

Creating a void that will corrupt rationale

And bring me back to Earth again.

She and I and Them

And she’s still mincing her mind like a circling joke,
Keeping the Hope
Trying my best to contain the globe in a compact shell.
But this old day just spins around inside my head,
Hard to Forget
Seeing her standing ready to strike and ring that bell.

And she keeps dancing around swirling atmosphere,
Shedding a tear
Begging to catch the waves but feeling that there’s no Joy.
Momentum in the rush to balance and keep the grace,
Watching that face
Crushing balloons in the grass and acting like a little boy.

And she looks down to her hands with a fleeting glance,
Holding that stance
Betting her rocking soul that we’ll be holding on.
They move to the rhythm of life in a seashell box
So Orthodox
They study her eyes and comprehend that we’re all gone.

‘Forget me not’ was the ballad that played but no regret
Willing to Bet
The masses hummed and understood simplicity.
But I’ll be turning my head to comprehend the norm
Quick to transform
Edging closer to the wonderful life of multiplicity.

Distance

Strangest of times
Measuring the distance
between two people.
Barely interacting
Hardly touching
Still checking that line.

Quiet Unknown land
Barrier of the brave
whoever leaves first.
Always avoiding
Consistently breathing
Counting with hands.