The Storm that Guides

Every-time it storms I feel refreshed
As though the world is somehow connected
To my Understanding of the body
That holds me back so often.

Just thinking makes things happen;
I laugh and the neighbourhood is bright;
Go out for a meal and the pavements
Appreciate the attention – with a snigger.
If I cry, the Earth inhales and spits;
Holding me in a whirlpool, centrally –
Until I am able to leave the room
And start all over again.

Yes, I certainly am connected,
Like a vein of pollution shuddering;
Aiming to contaminate to the heart
Until Arrest; And the pain that follows.
All I receive is the waste product;
The filth of memories past – They weep
When they are presented; emotionless.

Every-time the clouds part; severed –
I am not involved at all in the process.
I crawl under the recess and explain
To myself that I have no control this time.
Sometimes I have to face the weather;
Clearly happy with events – Masking.
Brave face and shaking hands; Firm.

Deep within the void I am already dead.
I died when I couldn’t control the clouds
And hid this from myself with a passion;
As though everything was because of me.

I am a self-centered, crazy bastard.

Bipolar stuggle with Others

If there was someway to have another chance
I would explain the pain that affects my mind
Causing you to see me badly at first glance
Yet without your understanding I am blind.

I am a product of my experience
Of acting a certain way towards people –
At times I may seem like I’m delirious
Though when I’m in my state I really can’t tell.

Is there really anyway to show you this?
To fight through my struggles and glimpse through the sheet?
Bipolar is difficult; you don’t process
With regularity; Midtones with concrete.

You know this, I know this; but it’s not easy
To accept a life knowing my moods don’t stay –
They whisk around and follow me completely;
I wake and see you, so face another day.

 

 

Confusing Day In The Life Of A Nobody

Hello? Can you see me? Thought not.
Of course, this is the way it should be,
As it always will. I transform and shed –
My skin – A part of what hides me.
As much as I can tell, this invisible
Sideways motion impacts little. Stand –
In the corner – amused by the rush,
The panic of generations; wow!
Hiya. Greetings from nowhere; Look –
Towards the end of the road; eternity
That spills over to the other side,
Twisting and crunching into place.
I can see this clearly; marble eyes –
Unfazed by the bloom of noise.

For one day only I see everything.

Nobody is better than somebody
Who grows old, takes pain and yearns.
Somebody is better than everybody –
In unison with the mechanical life;
Glaring over the land with suspicion.

For today I am a Nobody; Tomorrow –
I settle down and probably chat.
I join the community and become…
Whatever they tell me.

No more

If I was stable enough for any practicable period of time –
I think I would call this a relationship too.
The fact I relay this shows my intent
But it’s not to be; I will never be normal enough
To call it what you want me to.

Two way

Keeping tabs on laughter
Holding on to purse strings
Limiting desire –
You know it’s all I want to do now,
You know it’s all I want to see –
How, making me feel easy
Blanking out with staring
Watching for the first hand –
We share exactly what we want now,
We share out memories and time –
Show, hiding all our good days
Beating up with talking
Hurting from the inside –
My struggle kills off my true feelings
My struggle ends my hopes and dreams –
Seems, hating all the movement
Shielded from the real life
Laying down and sleeping.

As We Set

Blue veil of promising warmth
Holding everything inside,
Beaming through the radiance
Searing lifeforce far and wide.

Red patterns of stained heat,
A mark of seasons length.
Sweeping down to strike you
For tagging on to strength.

The white air of day
Draws you in with light,
Seagulls know the true
Path – Try as they might.

Grey matter floating –
Blending into chalk
To create madness
Within careless talk.

Deep rouge without foundation
Blanketing the walls in silence.
Mixing everything in place
Within the compound balance.

And then we go to sleep,
To dream of merrier times –
Between the conscious.

In the Maze

The compulsory entrance begins
In beats and growls; It breathes
With your motion, Understanding time
And dimension are out.

Stuttering in an endless Circle
With overgrown Orchards,
Reminding you of your location
And why you are now here.

I suppose in life we all get Lost
Ending up where we are.
Indeed, I see everyone standing –
Guessing what to do next.

I am awake

Alive and alone in my dimension
Staying up to exaggerate the time;
Clicking fingers to feel the frustration
The pressure is understandably mine.

I close my eyes with water caving in
My mind wishes to flicker lids about;
Body Quivering, goosebumps on the skin
Car head-lights place my body clock in doubt.

Twisting and turning to end the shaking
Rotating to Back, again to the front;
Racing thoughts that my Deep skull is making
Tears are racing down my face; waterfront.

The fear is being kept alive with sheets
Soft and fluffy, a Coffin of deep calm;
Wrapping into the darkness, it repeats
Then I lay there motionless – ticking bomb.

The spirit is contained within the clock
It rules night with an overbearing glare;
Any effort, you are met with a shock
Being forced to constantly check and stare.

So here I am as darkness turns to light
I lose again, each time worse than the last;
Lifting and rising; so try as I might
I worry about tonight; So downcast.

We don’t work (with a feeling)

There I am, standing against the wall
Holding up the foundations; stand tall
is the cry – Hold on if you can.
I look through the window; duplicate –
Struggling with an impossible weight
That will surely take the house down.
What’s this I hear? I can talk clearly
Listen to myself most sincerely
Socialising was no great chore.
When all else failed, my double would start
No obstacle would pull us apart –
Yet society came second.
Here I am, banging my fists with force,
It’s a shame I can’t seek a divorce
From my inner nature, who laughs.
A snigger and a cry; dual meaning
Then change; blank stare and so unfeeling –
Sometimes I hate being myself.
We are all made in a polar light
That feels its way to the surface; fight
With a passion; yet I am us.

Untitled (labelled as 2007)

An oldie, and probably my most personal poem of the lot. I was a bit of a jumbled mess so excuse if it doesn’t quite add up, but I know it was written in 2007 and was a terrible time. See? I even talk as though i am detached from this work, like i didn’t even write it.

But I did, and this blog is a testament to memory – thoughts and processes are so important. I don’t want to forget painful experiences, so i write about them, even if i don’t want to. I write, as that is all i can do.

Apologies for so much material in one go; I have a lot of work, some a fair few years old that I’m trying to get into digital form.

Was there ever a day when I DIDN’T see this coming?

Is time simply an overlapping of the pain I experience?

There seems a malicious symmetry that I cannot ignore,

As though it is all connected and pulling me in

How to describe, it is always so complex

Keeping yourself together and struggling on

When your body is telling you to give up

And take a seemingly impossible option.

I hear the ringing all around, more often in tune

To a heartbeat that seems a little off

And a spoken voice so clearly wanting more

In keeping with the trauma of standing.

Is there ever a month where my predictions didn’t come true?

My mind is fixated on linking the two

Mortal aspects of experience; Pain and time

Flow with a Rhythm that is hard to find

Except in the darker corner of the room.

Now my mind wanders between confusion

And total isolation. The sequence of why is unimportant;

All the matters is the here and now;

The constant of the improbable plan and execution

If only I could think of a better word.

I always see this coming yet I am always bewildered

At how ridiculous I am when i feel like this.

Emotion of twenty years becomes condensed into;

Hatred – Isolation – fear – confidence

And boils them up to spit at me, constantly.

It is a venom that I understand and comprehend yet,

I cannot control it; that is the biggest fear.

I am spat at with a consistent flow

that overwhelms the possible and makes me

Think like I am outside my own body.

Is there a year when you can feel myself becoming?

I understand that I am what i am – Tragic.

I live for another day; expect to see the time

synchronising once again with my feelings

Creating a void that will corrupt rationale

And bring me back to Earth again.