Mammalian

Flicking through the covers
Piece by piece
Unfolds the Sour nature
Of Disease.
External reveals all
Or nothing
Simple Cover story
Disgusting.
To keep it under wraps
Shows it all
Invisible it seems
A dry wall.
The millions suffer
In silence
As the nation marvels
At more cuts.
No physical features
To dissect
So everything is fine
Or regret.
Show what I feel inside
Pure emotion
In a distrusting world
Slow reaction.
Everyday to blend in
Normality
Comes at such great expense
Totality.
Yet society tries
To keep us in
Watering down our pain
For next of kin.
Auditory culture
Listen for me
Keeps the struggles in sight
I want to be.
Dashing through the turnstiles
To get away
Nothing really changes
Another day.
Next time to seek advice
An alien
Will tell me my blood type;
Mammalian

Conclusion

 

Solutions are simple, they always have been
Some end product of a heartbeat or two.
The process is the diminishing factor
Working together to make tragedy true.

Thinking ‘correctly’, neither up nor down
The memories of the centre are hardest.
It seems like such work to do the unthinkable
Leaving a rotting thought process to infest.

Constant plotting, scheming; all under duress
Consequence becomes the starting point.
I understand my process is skewed
Yet can do nothing in the trial but disappoint.

Regret

 

My daydream today is significant.
I stumbled, stopped and processed.
At first I presumed continuity;
But all I have left is numb pain.

When I see you all i think of is that night
of bags and bottles and crying –
although that was not all.
When I see myself it is merely a reflection
a stony face of regret.
This is hardly fair anymore.
It is not fair for either of us.

The daydream tomorrow; further.
Moving away from the promise
that could never be kept. At least –
Not in any particular order that made sense.
It is all such a jumbled mess
And I relive it everyday
When I understand it is forgotten.

…And always when I’m feeling hopeful.

Blending into freedom (or so he says)

Blending into freedom (or so he says)

It is not the confines of the surroundings that bind him
for that would simply be insane; look –
there are no walls to keep me there and yet
here I am; neither free nor in any form of despair.
Acceptance.

Is there anything worse than capturing yourself?
No guards to patrol the cells, for bars and chains
Are the stuff of nightmares. This surely can’t be;
if he was held captive then would it be known –
Seems like a safari holiday.

Glaciers that shine and blink at their occupiers
can always float away when the mood sees fit –
The guardians have such a weary yet reassuring
Smile. I am dubious at the great deception but
I see that freedom is quite the illusion.

I can stand (which is the standard improvement) but no –
Laying with the anticipation of falling.
Turning while on his back to distance himself
from overwhelming distraction; I think I am
wise to stay exactly where I am.

He comes at me with a look of hopeless obedience –
a time to do all this again, whenever the mood
tells the wind to turn a different direction. Towards
Me? Am I ready to accept the burden of normality?
And I note that I am all alone again.

Tissue

Tissue

Every time I look back I see
whatever the hurt gave me.
Unfortunately this is the past
and is a part of my skin – ever growing
ever consuming and always refreshing.

That stain of time is in everything –
Opinion, questioning; the impression.
The birthmark of a judgement
Visible by my closest friend to judge.
They will always make their own opinion.

If I should taste bitterness; an exception
to the rule of equal treatment –
We are always here to remark on others
which is the way it will always be,
until the scar becomes a part of you.

Acceptance is the flesh that is never seen –
Fever flowing through a bursting vein.
I can improve and will try with a passion
in time things will be better – optimism
But it appears a long way away.

March -horrible experience.

Time to talk day February 4th 2016.

 

I don’t remember the year but i used to write a great deal when i was feeling really low. It really helped me, however this one in particular hits a chord as it was a particularly bad day; i will say no more about that but i think archive memories are somewhat poignant. Just a little snippet as i don’t want to bore people with shoddy poetry!

 

March

Hopeless, endless
I fought back the tears
I paint a smile for everyone to see.

Wanting, breaking
everything I do
to keep myself together grinds me down.

Words of meaning
Numbness feeling cold
To formulate a plan and no return.

Happy, upbeat
Thrilled at my disguise
The pain in which I suffer is now gone.

I will learn to live on my own in the end.
I will learn to fight to keep myself alive.
I don’t want to feel joy like this anymore.
I know someday this weakness will hurt me more.